When Sandra got her mom’s message, it came as a shock. Mom’s back pain had become unbearable. Unable to get out of bed, she felt her quality of life slipping away. In her detailed text message – which was sent to all four sisters at once – mom said she was ready. Ready to go off her heart medications and into hospice care. Sandra felt the family would honor mom’s wishes. After all, at 92 her mind was still sharp. But the decision was still a shock.
As an Arrivity financial planner, Sandra Jones knows how important it is to be prepared for big life events. She could focus on comforting her mom because she knew what needed to be done about practical matters. Sandra could leverage her financial planning expertise, and she says the biggest plus was her family’s willingness to work together as a team.
“I feel really lucky,” Sandra told me when she sat down to share her story. “My whole family, although very sad, wanted to honor her decision. I also felt we were each able to contribute and help based on our abilities.”
Taking care of the details
Sandra feels fortunate that her mom has been around to see grandchildren grow up and great-grandchildren enter the world. With thoughtful planning, the family is able to focus on spending quality time with her and keep worries to a minimum.
There are basic actions Arrivity recommends to every client: Be sure your parents have a current will and powers of attorney. Have access to passwords. If you’ve been designated as financial Power of Attorney, understand the type and authority you have. Organize important paperwork and tax records. Know about your family members’ last wishes.
Sandra also learned a few things along the way. “Take notes and save documents,” she advises. “There are things you might need to access later, and it’s easy to forget or have a different recollection from other family members. My sister and brother-in-law who live near my mom kept in good communication about her healthcare. Writing notes was critical to keeping track of every detail.”
And some things turn out to be much more complicated than you’d expect. “Even though I held power of attorney, I still had to jump through a lot of hoops to gain access to one of mom’s bank accounts,” said Sandra. “It would have helped to establish a relationship with the bank earlier and understand their specific rules and processes.”
Planning ahead helped in a lot of ways. “My mom had the foresight to start simplifying her finances and belongings in stages later in life so it wouldn’t be overwhelming for my sisters and me,” Sandra said. “My sister helped her downsize several years ago. When it was time to sell her home, it was easier for all of us. We were also able to spend meaningful time talking about memories and the meaning of certain heirlooms.”
Simplification made it easier to focus on other things. “When mom moved into assisted living, I asked her what she wanted to bring along that would comfort her. My family and I also wanted to be sure she could still easily spend time with the people in her life who bring her joy.”
Spending quality time
Sandra and her family have spent a lot of time with their mom in the last few months. “I feel like we were kind of saying goodbye,” she said. Mom decided not to go into hospice, and the pain that was making life so unbearable subsided with treatment. She bounced back to her old self and was able to spend time with friends, make plans, and feel hopeful once again.
“I feel like we got our mom back,” said Sandra. “This will sound funny, but I’m almost taking my mom for granted again. We still communicate a lot, but I don’t have to check in every day just to see if she’s alright.” Now when Sandra visits her mom, besides trying to beat her at Scrabble she spends time learning more about her life. “She’s always been a writer and a poet, and she’s written several memoirs. That’s what I want to be talking about.”
Having end-of-life documents in place and conversations to understand your parents’ wishes in advance can allow you to spend more quality time with them. It can also help you focus on what’s most important when you need to make decisions for them.
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Liz is a Late Boomer in the sandwich generation who started an independent writing and brand consulting practice after years as a senior marketing executive. She lives in Seattle, Washington. Her mother lives nearby and her daughter is a recent college graduate.
The foregoing content reflects the opinions or perspective of Liz Behlke and/or Arrivity financial planners and is subject to change at any time without notice. Content provided herein is for informational purposes only and should not be used or construed as investment advice or a recommendation regarding the purchase or sale of any security. There is no guarantee that the statements, opinions or forecasts provided herein will prove to be correct. Past performance may not be indicative of future results. Indices are not available for direct investment. Any investor who attempts to mimic the performance of an index would incur fees and expenses which would reduce returns Securities investing involves risk, including the potential for loss of principal. There is no assurance that any investment plan or strategy will be successful. Arrivity does not give tax or legal advice. Tax and/or legal strategies should be discussed with a professional before implementing.