Talking to an aging parent about their money can be fraught with pride, confusion, suspicion, and complicated family dynamics. But gentle and helpful money discussions should be part of a caring relationship.
My Mom has been on her own now for five years, but she depends on me to help with the finances. Dad was the one who managed their investments and he did the taxes. After he passed away, I helped Mom get everything organized. Some things took longer than others.
Once I had a good sense of Mom’s portfolio and budget, I started talking to her about ways we could make it easier to manage her money. She would listen, then say, “I’ll have to think about that.” I didn’t want to push, but she was closing in on her 90th birthday and kept putting things off.
Then, one evening as I was driving home from our Sunday dinner together, a lightbulb went on. Mom’s a lot like me. We’re both visual people (and not very mathematical). I needed to try a different tactic.
Painting the picture
It’s not fair to expect Mom to understand a bunch of verbal advice about investment accounts and estate taxes. So I decided to give her something she could hold onto. I summarized her financial situation in a few pages of simple charts and graphs, including a checklist of next steps I thought she should take. And I printed them out. In color.
Our financial advisors do a great job managing Mom’s accounts, but I’m the one she trusts to explain it all. When we sat down and talked through the little presentation I had made, something else dawned on me. Dad was in the room with us.
Mom was wanting to make sure she honored the financial plans Dad had set in place. That seemed to be a source of her hesitancy. So I said, “Let’s think about what Dad would do.” I told her I thought Dad would want their money to be safe and growing, and organized in a way that makes her life easy. When we went through my list of recommendations, I explained how I thought each of them would honor that goal.
One thing at a time
With the list in hand, Mom and I agreed that we would tackle one thing at a time. Each time a task was completed, we’d pull out the printed pages, make a big checkmark, and celebrate our achievement. Eventually, we got them all done.
I seem to have found the right balance between pressure and patience. In order to help Mom out, I had to tune into her perspective: As a child of the Depression, Mom was taught to be frugal. While she worked hard at her own career, she saw Dad as the source of their assets. She’d also never been involved in the details of investing, so naturally a lot of concepts were confusing.
Mom wants to make good decisions and, of course, make sure her money outlasts her. I was feeling frustrated that she didn’t seem to hear me, but here’s the real breakthrough: I needed to be listening to her.
The financial planners at Arrivity have seen how the process of creating a financial plan can be a way to structure family discussions about money. It can give you tangible and objective information to share and discuss. Next time you plan to have one of those difficult conversations with your parents, you might first think about what they need from you.
Things to think about when helping parents with their money:
- Keep talking. It may take some time to build trust; remember that in some ways you’re flipping the parent/child dynamic.
- Make sure your parent is as involved as they want to be. My Mom likes receiving paper copies of her account statements, and she often asks me to look them over.
- Your siblings should be involved as appropriate. Of course, they will need to build their own level of trust, if that’s an issue.
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Liz is a Late Boomer in the sandwich generation who started an independent writing and brand consulting practice after years as a senior marketing executive. She lives in Seattle, Washington. Her mother lives nearby and her daughter is a recent college graduate.
The foregoing content reflects the opinions or perspective of Liz Behlke and/or Arrivity financial planners and is subject to change at any time without notice. Content provided herein is for informational purposes only and should not be used or construed as investment advice or a recommendation regarding the purchase or sale of any security. There is no guarantee that the statements, opinions or forecasts provided herein will prove to be correct. Past performance may not be indicative of future results. Indices are not available for direct investment. Any investor who attempts to mimic the performance of an index would incur fees and expenses which would reduce returns Securities investing involves risk, including the potential for loss of principal. There is no assurance that any investment plan or strategy will be successful. Arrivity does not give tax or legal advice. Tax and/or legal strategies should be discussed with a professional before implementing.